Ambivalence

5 Apr 2009 by Kim, No Comments »

My school, like many, is having money trouble, and that’s making things tough in a number of ways.  For me personally, there is direct financial impact– we didn’t get the raises we were due this year, and there’s no money for travel or research.  I was awarded an internal research grant, but since we have no money, it wasn’t funded.  But even worse, money for a lot of other things is being cut and some people are losing their jobs.  Some people I supervise.  We haven’t officially laid anyone off, and so far, there are no plans for that.  But there are people who had not worked here long enough to gain any protection who were not re-hired after one semester.  And our grad students can’t count on finding work here any more after they finish.

My school has always asked a lot in terms of teaching and service, but I think many of us have been quiet disheartened by the current conditions.  Also, many of us are looking around and noticing that working so many hours per week leaves little tmes for friends and family.  I have been thinking about that a lot.  I love my research, and my students are great.  but I need to have some life outside those areas.  In fact, I’d like at least half my time free to spend on the other things I love– friends and family of course.  But also gardening.  Reading for fun.  Writing and coding for fun; to experiment, rather than always to a deadline.

And I’m tired of moving.  And of always traveling for work.  Thinking hard about how to change things so I can work less and play more.  So that work again becomes fun, rather than a weight crushing the life out of my life.

Yes, dark post today, but there it is.  I  paid a cost for my doctorate in all the time I didn’t spend on anything else about which I cared.  i didn’t expect I’d just have to keep paying and paying.  Think I’m going to try keeping more for myself.

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