I think we are all conscious at some level of the differing roles we take on in our lives; as teachers, students, parents, children, siblings, spouses, friends. We are not only playing different roles in different situations, we play them differently depending on who we are with. The person my students would recognize is not the same person I am at home, or with a friend. I even behave differently depending on which friend I am with, or whether we are alone or in a group, in private or in a cafe, or on the street. And while I am recognizable to some degree to everyone I know, in all of these situations, I never behave exactly the same way in any two of them. I think this is true of all people.
As ethnographers we are taking on a new role, indeed several new roles, some of which we are completely unaware of. This is especially true for those of us who are new to ethnography, but it holds true to some extent for us all because even if we are comfortable in the role of ethnographer already, every new study is different. The first role I see is my own perception as myself as ethnographer, the second as how I want to present myself as such, and third, in the myriad ways that others perceive me while I observe them in their classroom. I will never know all the ways I am seen by these students, or even in all the facets that I am seen by the two teachers whose classes I am observing. Looking at it from this wide perspective, with all the unknowns, puts me on edge. Looking back on the reading, and realizing all the ways I position myself in my world (both in my own head and in the way I believe I am being perceived by other people), I see that I am missing quite a large part of the equation, and this large part can never be filled.
So I am trying to step back from this immensity and back into myself. What I can control is how I feel about where I am, and what I can hope to express in my actions is to “give” the impression that I am observing the class for no reason but for my own education and benefit, and to “give off” an impression of unimportance and harmlessness. In this way I can fulfill my desire to be as unobtrusive as possible and realize the role I have set for myself as more observer than participant.
I think you hit on a very important point. There is a huge difference between who we think we are and how others perceive us. I too am struggling with the problem because it calls into question my very being. I too have been thinking that I should focus on what I can control. But I am not sure thats possible. I am not sure I can control anything. As much as I would like to believe that I can control what I think about myself, I dont think thats true because what I think about myself depends, unfortunately a lot upon how others perceive me, and the fact is like you said you will never know how others see you. So, I guess I will go on pretending, go on acting on this stage we call life and playing the character I want to be, but this is so depressing. Maybe I should just stop reading all this malarky and go on being who I think I am. I wish I was Superman and had a fortress of solitude. I would go there and figure all this out.
No I take that back. I don’t want to be Superman. He has too many problems. I just want access to the fortress of solitude. Or access to the Millennium Falcon. That would be cooler
Yeah, I’d take the Millenium falcon, or a fortress of solitude. Untill I am a superhero, or a space pirate, however, I suppose I will settle for this table in my backyard, and the impressions of others will remain a mystery unless I become a telepath, and the actual functioning of things will also remain a mystery most of the time, and the causation of the universe I might not even find out when I die again, and come back, and die again, and again, until I finally become one with my own navel…if I go out like a spark in the wind, I’ll never know, and I have to be ok with that or go mad since I have faith in humanities potential for both good and ill, and in my axe, and that’s about it.